It’s ‘Sigur Ros in the headphones’ at the cafe this morning. Almond crossaint, freshly baked… warm and goey. Black decaf americano. Same regular corner table and chair. Whoop whoop.
So what’s with this week’s title? You’re thinking ‘ugh, not another woman who’s constantly beating herself up!’ I’m sorry to say, yep, I’m a high-achiever, perfectionist, starter-finisher, tough on myself type of woman. Basically, I’m never worthy, never quite getting to the top of my game, and the ideal always seem to be out of reach. So frustrating.
It has taken about 2 years to get my life almost back on track with EMDR therapy, talking therapy, personal training and development, pilates, improving nutrition… and now I am actually starting to be able to see myself objectively. This is a relatively new concept to me as someone with ASD. I have learned how to start doing this through reading very helpful books by clever people – some with ASD or Aspergers, some without.
What I am noticing recently is that, now I’m getting a few hours back in the daytime with our youngest starting school, I am not being as proactive as I thought I would be. It’s a bit crushing. I’m such a do’er and love a project; very task driven. Spare time freaks me out!
So what am I noticing is going out the window lately?
- Meal planning: gone to ‘pot’ and I’m cobbling things together last minute or relying on ‘what’s in the freezer’ or making stuff up – not satisfying for me or when I sit there watching my husband and children eating it!
- Laundry: momentum lost, exhausted in evenings meaning that ironing doesn’t get done and then there’s the dash in the morning before school to find a crinkled shirt, skirt or trousers from the ironing board pile. My poor children!
- Self-care: I’m not using any down time constructively. If I have an hour or two at home to myself then I have no idea where it goes! I’m in a panic because I’m alone with my thoughts and lost within this familiar safe space as to what should be the priority. I don’t have a tv show I want to watch particularly, nor any movies. A year ago I’d have it all planned and couldn’t wait to watch something on my list. I’m not even using the time to nose dive into one of the great books I’m reading that I just can’t put down at bedtime.
- Tasks piling up: the children’s school memory books are just sitting on the side in the kitchen begging for my attention, the accounting admin support I could give my husband isn’t getting much of a look in (which makes me feel so guilty), our daughter’s 11plus coaching materials aren’t getting printed off and put into a folder, the indoor plants aren’t getting repotted, and so on and so forth… ugh.
Am I trying to fail? Am I pushing the self-destruct button? Is it a silent rebellion?
What do you other mums or dads feel like when you’ve been at home caring full time for your little ones and then SUDDENLY they’re both at school and you’re LOST? How can I find my drive and proactive energy to get through the hours I’m apart from them? I have always had all-consuming and demanding careers until I became a stay at home mummy 4 years ago.
So… there has been a recent development… a dear friend of 25 years or so spoke to me yesterday on the phone about some business ideas that he’d like me to come on board with! He was the first rapper I managed, from Brooklyn in New York, we learnt about the music business in those early days in parallel. Has life showed me a courtesy hand and is welcoming me back into the fray with something familiar that comes to me instinctively and soulfully? I’d be back to artist/talent managment, but this time with the security of a roof over my head and food on my table in a loving stable home. It’d be flexible, from home and whatever I can do with my management and visionary head on. Perhaps having more commitment outside the home and family is going to give me the focus I need – a bit of income, some self-worth, self-respect, excitement and buzz of projects, challenges to overcome, and more importantly a colleague!
Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes you just gotta write this shit down and let it stare at you hard in the face. Perspective is a beautiful thing.
Hey, I’m still confused and haven’t put a time in my diary for everything that needs to be accomplished (yet), but I’m bloody well more motivated and feel so much more positive about getting this new routine aligned to my internal processes. Hurrah and perhaps more some more whoop whooping!