Please can I just be me?

Can’t believe I haven’t prioritised writing my weekly blog since 13th June. I’m just grabbing a couple of hours quickly. Youngest is getting ready for his transition to primary school in September and there are settling in sessions for both of us that happen to fall on my Thursday morning coffee and blog ‘protected time’ sessions… hrmmmmm.

I’m getting totally stressed out with having to live day to day lies about what makes me ME. We are now living in a world where we are having to become more and more HONEST with ourselves and the public (sexuality, race, religion, Brexit, how much plastic I use and what lengths I go to recycle, and so on). I have multiple monikers – different Instagram, Facebook and Twitter accounts, which are tailored to specific targeted audience bases that can keep me in a safer bubble.

If I can do this to simplify my mind, what effect would it have on me and those around me, those I have worked with, family, far-away friends? What are the risks? What are the benefits? Does it really matter? Isn’t it best to be a shining light for others who might have experienced similar traumas or who haven’t and have no idea what it’s like to live in my shoes?

It all began when I was a youngster, reborn into hiphop culture (I heart my adoptive hiphop familia) and then went into the music business. I had a ‘stage name’. I was glad for my new identity, because I was hopping from dwelling to dwelling keeping my government name off bills, living in fear of being found/followed/watched. So for a good 10 years I lost the instinct of using my government name. I couldn’t identify with it anymore, and didn’t want to. My new name suited me as it was given to me by friends who loved my character and had my back. It was only many years later after illness I had to revert to it whilst I was recovering. Then shortly after I got married and my name changed again and went off into a new career in the health industry for 10 years. Many many people still call me by my hiphop name, the name I love and identify with the most, but these sadly are people who I don’t see or speak to enough anymore due to distance and life changing course.

I can’t be alone in this new world where you can be whoever you want to be behind the screen and live in a virtual reality. I honestly can’t believe it is healthy, unless you are in a situation where you have a ‘fan’ or business open account vs a ‘friends only’ private account.

Surely the logic should follow that ones who know me best should have instant access to all that’s the truth about their friend, and the strangers should either earn my trust and become my friend, or, find my blog writings because they are kindred spirits and if our paths crossed somehow in the physical then we would naturally connect.

Perhaps it’s just time to be honest about my life and who I am.

Sometimes you just have to be a leader and face your fears so others can feel liberated to do the same.

3 Comments

  1. Nicci, your blog will soon be added to our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please click on the “How do you want your blog listed?” link at the top of that site to customize your blog’s description on the list (or to decline).
    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

    Liked by 1 person

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