Post-school holidays re-set

Here’s some wisdom I needed today:

As you take time to uncover, and ask yourself some vital questions
Like – what is it that brings me peace, what is it that brings me joy?
What do I love doing?
What am I willing to become highly skilled at doing?
What part can I play for the betterment of the society
And the world in which I want to live?
When you begin to ask yourself those real questions
And it doesn’t have to be done in a formal way
It can be done just like we’re speaking, right now
Ask yourself the question
Look at how you see yourself in just a year from now
And then go forward
And if you have children or even if you don’t have children
Now begin to, look at your future beyond
The space and time that you are
Now visualize exactly, the way that you desire to live
Don’t be afraid to, dream” – KRS-One ‘The Gospel of Hip-Hop’

School holidays give me perspective on life. I get to re-learn the depth of character our young children are developing. We all get to re-connect as a family. Yes there may be a couple of days of arguments, whilst we all acclimatise to being in such close proximity to each other again. My husband has to come to terms with a loss of power if he’s off from work, as the home is my full-time powerhouse, he has a hospital to lord over otherwise.

I have to come to terms with the sudden loss of 100% of the power over the day to day living (parenting style clashes, untidy house, etc). It’s uncomfortable, especially with my brain. Kübler-Ross++.

We also travelled 3 hours away from my current home town to spend time with close friends in their family home, watching them interacting and coping with parenting in their own style, helps me to re-plot my own parenting anxieties and stressors on the x:y axis of good and bad.

Now I’m out the other side and husband is back at work, kids back to nursery/school, I miss everyone, the lovely togetherness and long for the weekends when we can all just BE. I don’t miss the hectic mess and lack of peace at home. 

The ghost emotions and energies pre-school holidays are still lingering enough for me to re-evaluate and re-set now I’m back mostly in my own adult company. I can feel it now, the high octane anxiety and pressure I was putting myself under and living with. Masking. Trying to be everything I can be, trying to be available to others when I was losing focus on my true responsibilities, priorities and objectives: health, family, home, happiness.

It’s all very well knowing the right thing to do though. It’s having the courage to put it all right. Rebalance my universe. Follow my inner moonlight.

Life is a journey. Healing is a journey. The art is to evaluate and re-evaluate experiences and events in order to reach the zenith of life happiness. Overcome fear of freedom of expression. Will I then be honest with myself and others in order to facilitate change? 

I’m really good at directing others and making sure they’ve got what their need in order to fulfil their potential. I’m not very good at doing the same for myself and usually react to a knee-jerk response to physical symptoms. That’s because I’m resilient, I’m a survivor, so my mental health is the hardest thing to recognise and react to in a positive and meaningful way in the moment. My traits of ASD and symptoms of CPTSD can overlap. Being autistic,  I can be blind to the slippery slope if my CPTSD is kicking in or my ASD traits only seem abnormal to others sometimes.

“Re-create. Re-cast. Re-feel”, says Dr John A. King in his book ‘#DEALWITHIT. Living Well With PTSD’.

Time to get back on track with living the dream.. peace, love, happiness and having fun. I wish you the same.

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